Having the conversations
Practical ways to open and hold conversations with young people, for use in any setting. What to say, what not to say, and how to tell which one you are doing.
Why direct welfare questions can shut a young person down
Questions such as “Are you OK?” or “Has anything happened at home?” may come from care. But when they are the first thing an adult asks, they can feel formal, pressured or hard to answer. Young people are often more likely to talk when an adult has built trust, shows genuine interest and gives them choice about how and when they respond. This chapter is about what to do instead.
What this chapter holds
Four practical areas to help adults build trust and have better conversations.
Begin with connection, not interrogation.
Share something real first. Talk about something from your day or weekend.
Start with a shared interest. Music, football, gaming, something they made or something they are reading can all be an easier way in.
Notice without demanding an answer. Try: “I’ve noticed you have been quieter this week. You do not need to talk about it now, but I am here when you want to.” Then let the conversation move on.
Do something alongside them. Walk, cook, draw, tidy or sit together. Conversation can feel easier when it is not the only focus.
Name your own emotions. Try: “I am having a difficult day. It is not about you, and it is not because of anything you have done.” This can help a young person understand that an adult’s mood is not always their responsibility.
The harder moments and the Hard Day Card continue in Chapter 9, and the practical tools and worked scenarios follow in Chapter 10.
These phrases are not always wrong, but they can feel demanding or scripted when used as the opening line:
- “Tell me what is wrong.”
- “You can talk to me about anything.”
- “Are you OK?”
Before starting a conversation, pause and ask yourself:
- What do I actually know about this young person right now?
- What am I assuming that I have not checked?
- What is the most interesting thing about them this week?
- If I were not under time pressure, what would I want to ask?
Curiosity is a skill, not a personality type. It helps adults move beyond a process or script and shows a young person that they are being noticed as a person.
There are two patterns for every adult to notice, name and challenge.
Adultification. Adultification is a form of racial bias in which a child is treated as older, less innocent, less vulnerable or more responsible than they are. It disproportionately affects Black children. It can mean less protection, fewer allowances for being a child and harsher responses to behaviour.
Ask yourself: am I treating this child as a child?
Cultural misreading. An adult may misread a young person’s eye contact, tone of voice, dress or movement as disrespect. The young person reacts to being misunderstood, and that reaction is then treated as defiance.
Ask yourself: am I responding to this young person’s behaviour, or to my own fear or assumption?
Do not stop at the phrase “unconscious bias”. Racism and unequal treatment can be experienced as repeated and targeted, not simply accidental. Use evidence, ask open questions and be willing to examine patterns. For example, look at published school exclusion figures by ethnicity, look at children and young people’s mental health waiting-time data, and ask: why do you think this is happening?
Some young people find it easier to share through an activity, image, story or piece of music than through direct conversation. These approaches can create a safer, lower-pressure way in.
Scenario cards. Use short stories about a fictional young person and ask, “What do you think this person should do?” A young person may talk about their own experience through the character.
Writing prompts. Try “Write about a time you felt heard” or “Describe a place that feels safe.” There is no pressure to share what they write.
Music as an opener. Ask, “Play me a song that means something to you.” Listen first, then ask one gentle question.
Window of Tolerance check. Use a simple visual to help a young person identify whether they feel able to think clearly, overwhelmed, ready to fight or flee, or shut down.
The Anger Volcano. Use a visual to explore what makes someone feel more angry and what helps them feel calmer. This can be especially useful for young people who find writing difficult.
The Blob Tree. Invite the young person to choose one figure that represents something good and one that represents something hard.
Pair these tools with the Three Houses approach in Chapter 7. It can be a helpful first step for younger children, or for anyone who finds direct conversation difficult.